...Dreaming Of You...

i'm going crazy tonight.

Well, I thought to make an apparence though I have little to say....New year, I've made alot of new plans. I dropped out of Universty and I won't be going back till next September hopefully to OCAD in Toronto, for Fine Arts then I plan to be a Tattoo Artist. I plan to be finally moving there sometime soon. This is all for now. Tata

 

Check out the sites:

 

www.ravensantilovesong.deviantart.com

www.postpoems.com/members/brokenpixie88

 

take care kids.

so i am taking the time to drop a few little lines...Long weekend, my party plans ruined...dont that just suck?

I set my eyes to high, look to far ahead...and get shut back down into heart ache.

Life is funny like that...We just keep on going, somethings we remember from the past and other things are lost in the shadows but what does remain is the knowledge that this isn't your first time round. That simple knowledge can drive you to insanity if you let it.

Dog eat dog kinda world. Demons and angels that is what we are.

After much time, after much tormoil. I know in the deepest reaches of my heart I've forgiven him, and have grown strong from the pain. I regret nothing but one thing, I cherish the moments we shared. I thank him for the bullshit, because in it I grew, stronger, better, faster, thicker, smarter but above all harder. Had it not been for Dan, I think something worse would have got to me, something worse I might not have been able to recover from. I can speak with him now, I can say little things that mattered only to him and I, but it doesn't hurt, it doesn't make me wish for him and I again. It only makes me smile of what used to be. I am glad for it, indeed. I hope he knows, that deep down, I care for him and only wish the best for him. If he were to fall, no I  couldn't possibly be there for him, but I could hope and prey for the best outcome for him. I cannot be his strength anymore, it is not my place as it is not his place. We have others, and we have ourselves. The only thing I truthfully regret is that I let him come between Jim and I. Its getting close to a year, he doesn't speak with me anymore but I'm still so sorry I betrayed him that way. I wish he would speak with me, I emailed him earlier today...Still no response but I dont think its even been an hour.  Time just goes too slowly for me. I've said one to many things to him, things that I meant to hurt and with his final goodbye my pride got in my way. But the knowledge eats at me, I just want him to know that I wasn't worth it then, perhaps I'm still not worth it but he is worth it. He really tries to care, he really tries to be there, he really would do anything for you...I didn't see it, at least not till it was too late. He's is probably one of the few really good boys that have crossed my path.

I need to find a place to escape. An answer to the burning quesstion, why I'm so alone. I search, and never find right. I run into the wrong places, they seem so right but the more they seem the less they are. So, here I stand broken again. Listening to the words of those who really care but not a single voice can explain why I spend my nights alone why not even a week can go by and I find my self single. Maybe I'm cursed, maybe I should be a nun then I could find real peace, a real piece of me ontop of that. It seems like a game sometimes to look around the corner and see what is waiting for me even if it will only be another let down. I was happier before, I fought my demons away I was mkaing something out of myself and then I tried to make something with someone and it all just fell apart.

I give in, I throw in the towel, I leave the pieces were they lie, and forget this foolish quest for someone else, when I'm still finding myself. Yesterday I spent wasting in my self, yesterday I wasn't myself. Today, I will be strong, today I am not who I was yesterday.

what a suprise...I'm single...Again....I can't make anything work.

So things became all the more wonky in life:S..err, I'm dating Dustin tho now...It'll be official on Sunday seeing as that an MSN ask out isn't sweet or anything. Finally leaving RL and all their bullshit. My manager says I'm not that great of a worker, yet puts me on two jobs I have never been trained for during Paddyfest! So, it all seems somewhat twisted BULLSHIT!
but yeah I guess this is the way things have too be after all...

Somethings just don't go write...I have commitment issues don't I?

so here it is....I'm in love with someone very special indeed....Its amazing, I haven't felt like this before...Maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself I haven't known him that long....but its nice to sit there, and day dream about someone and think what our life would be like together...We really are good together tho, he's just so damn amazing, he just has this way of being, he reads my mind so perfectly. What I love best of all, is thatwhen it came to my art work I only expected people to get their own meaning out of the piece but he get what I was feeling...He sees beyond the image and words and right into my soul and that right there makes me weak. There's something inside of me thats been growing since the day he arrived in my life, someone (God) must have been smiling down on me when they brought me this angel. I could never have found someone better then this.

I would love to someday be his wife truthfully, he amkes me feel like I am a queen, the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, its so much different the anyone else he looks like he is in love with me....

As of today it is 22 days till my 19th birthday

So Social work exam tonight. Just wrote my phil exam. ugh this bites.

Only I am intelligent enough to study for an exam that isn't happening today and then failing the one that is. Ugh, what a way to bring me down. So i worked my ass off to get ready for social work's exams and it turns out that it is Life Span exam tonight. ugh.

Survived first term of uni.

Waiting on finals.

Still single.

I have an art gig woot woot.

Check my stuff out: www.ravensantilovesong.deviantart.com

and my writtings at www.postpoems.com/members/theravensantilovesong

 

Weeks gone by:

 

Accepted to the University of Waterloo of the Social Development Program

Frosh Week, meet cool new people

Week One of Lectures, Learned everything I'll need to do

Week Two Of LectureMILLLION AND TWO Things to do for Class

 

Life Update: Very much single, very much enjoying it....Though I meet a few cool cats i wouldnt mind seeing were we go....wat what?!

 

JCamm seems out the door thats ok cause he wasnt interested his loss not mine! ya heard?!

Haaalllla back yo!

I swear its Hate-on-Mar-Week! Like hell, not long ago dan burned me, two last week jim burned me, today i get dissed and dismissed by a guy i was into....Like wtf?

In light of recent events, both tragic and humores all the same Im writting this blog. Though I personally lack the care if anyone else does read this I've figured I'd share this story and maybe someone will draw a little wisdom or at least a laugh over this smallish plight that I have been afflicted with.

It all began whenever my last entry was and I had to open my big tramp mouth to advice a "friend" in his dating troubles. The little things that girls notice about guys is what I am referring to. From this a full blown Hate-on-Mar came flying basically I'm still recovering from whip-flash after I recieved a major verbal abuse (of course he has his own bruises to tend to, I'm not the type to sit and take it). Ok, on to the main story.

Lets say this started back in February, I was in a "realtionship" it could hardly be called that because in the course of 3 months I saw him oh lets say four times? minimum. Fine, four times. Now, I dealt the fatal blow that killed the little realtionship we had by cheating with who else but the ex boyfriend, who after two years left me for some hoochie tenth grader! We all know who I am talking about. Fine. The first mentioned BOY didn't say anything horific, hurtful, harmful, damaging besides "i'm not taking you to prom because I'll see your ex and there'll be a confrontation that you're not worth". Fine I got were he was coming from. How many months later and we are friends, we got  along just fine. We didnt talking about the past relationship and I liked that just fine. I give him small advice and suddenly women can't be trusted, I'm inmature, my ex owns me, I'm a spoiled brat (all because I have a family who cares about me and takes care of me of course I am 18 still living at home). How can a person develop a back bone so late in the game? Its not better late then never, you want to get rid of someone you do it at the moment of fatal blow not when someone feels better about the situation doesnt think about the situation and thinks you're over the situation to.

Moral of the story? DONT GIVE ADVICE TO THOSE THAT CAN"T BE HELPED! Like 25 year old highschool drop outs who won't get a job and sits around all day on the computer complaining about his life, and being a complete loner. No jokingly, the actual moral is if you constantly complain, expect that someone will advice, can't take it then don't complain. PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

Looking  back on my littl story I kinda have to laugh at the whole pathetic idiocy. Mine and his...How many times can a girl say she's sorry?

Its not that men can't be trusted it's boys, boys and boys. How does that apply to women I'm not sure? I had a moment of relapse I guess....I dont make cheating a habit. I didnt plan it, I paid for it but in the end I was the only who had the balls to face up to it, my ex never told his girlfriend, his relationship was never damaged because of our mistake.

On a completly different note. Anyone into sci-fi? Me I like it, and what can be better then sci=fi? Well  a sci-fi artsy film. I think a zillion people have seen Minority report, pay check all based on sci-fi books by Philip K. Dick, his current trans into film - A Scanner Darkly. Which interestingly enough has real people, inked over. I've seen this before in a few photographs it sorta makes me think that the characters are tangiable...I can't explain I suppose but really in the words of Martha "It's a good thing."

Thats it thats all, im out kids.

Peace-out